Subdivided We Stand Meets Marathon Man

...and Balloon Man Blew Up In My Hand

Just a quickie today, while I work at the conference...

Went (alone) to see Robyn Hitchcock at a local club on Tuesday night.  Great show, made even better by the presence of Peter Buck (from R.E.M.) on guitar.  The club itself was decent -- a nice set-up a show of that size.  Made me nostalgic for Graffiti, though, which remains the best venue of that size that I've ever entered -- and I've been in some of the notables, from NY to L.A. and now San Francisco.  (As a side note, the venue's Web site says the club is owned by Boz Skaggs.  Lido....whoa-oh-oh-oh-a-oh!  Skagg's "Silk Degrees" remains one of my favorite albums, although I'll bet I haven't listened to it in over a decade -- a situation which will need to be rectified shortly after I return home.)

I couldn't quite tell, but from where I stood it looked like Buck was wearing lipstick and blue eyeshadow.  Combined with the two gold hoop earrings he was sporting, the end result looked a little bit like when Eric Idle used to dress up in drag on Monty Python.  Actually, Buck now also bears a slight resemblance to Joe Grushecky -- so a couple of times the thought of Joey G. in drag crossed my mind, for which I need some serious mind-bleach.

When I stepped out of my room this morning and picked up the complimentary USA Hooray on my doorstep, and then see the news that Vonnegut has died, the first thing I think of is yellojkt.  As I expected, there's a lovely Vonnegut tribute at yellojkt's site -- please give a look.

(Oh yes -- my luggage finally showed up.  I can spend the last two days in style!  But why, please tell me, did the hotel feel compelled to call me at 1:50 a.m. to tell me that it was here?  It could've waited until the morning....)

UPDATE:
Pittsburgh Brewing needs cash to purchase raw ingredients.  Who knew that the pee of a thousand homeless guys was so expensive?

71 or so Things About Me

As Marathon Man and I move further and further towards a truly joint blog, it only seems fitting that we change the "About Me" over there to more of an "About Us."  So go take a look if you have a hankerin' to know more about your humble narrators.

My OLD "About Me" was a stab at the ancient (in blog-years) meme of "100 Things About Me."  Unfortunately, I got bored and never got past 71 things.  Mildly interesting, I suppose, so I'll re-create it here as today's blog entry just so that this important information doesn't disappear forever...

1. Name:  Robert Laird Braughler.  No particular reason for the “Robert.”  “Laird” is my dad’s name.  “Braughler” is German.
2. When pronounced correctly, “Braughler” sort of rhymes with “smockler,” but with a throat-clearing rattle where the “ck” is.
3. In general use, nobody in my family pronounces our name correctly.  Most of us opt for “Brockler,” but a few use “Brawler.”
4. Birthday:  January 2, 1963
5. I was adopted at six months.  I know very little about my birth parents, but the name on my original birth certificate reads “Gregory Dean Smith.” 
6. My parents were told that my birth parents were both semi-professional musicians, and that I would likely want a great deal of education.
7. In my past, I was a semi-professional musician.  I have three college degrees.
8. One sibling – a sister, who’s 7 years older than me and lives in Erie, PA.
9. Married my lovely wife Julie on March 27, 1999.
10. Currently living in Shaler, PA – a very ordinary suburb about 15 minutes north of Downtown Pittsburgh.  Nice neighborhood, nice house – my intention is to live the rest of my life here, although a few fabulous vacation homes scattered throughout the U.S. and Europe would be just fine with me.
11. We have one child two children.  Adam – a handsome and happy fellow who was born on May 28, 2003, and Kate, a lovely young lady who was born on April 17, 2005.
12. In general, I’m a disorganized slob.  However, I have one area in which I’m fanatically neat – my sock drawer, which is organized into the following categories:
    - Tan
    - Tan Fancy (stripes, patterns, etc.)
    - Brown
    - Brown Fancy
    - Black
    - Black Fancy
    - Green
    - Blue
    - Gray
    - Everything Else
    - (White socks are kept in a separate but equal drawer)
13. We have two dogs – a dopey but loveable basset hound named Smithers, and a  sweet but somewhat reserved german shepherd/Norwegian elkhound mix named Kelsey. 
14. In elementary school, my grades were consistently top of the class.  By junior high, I was a mediocre student.  By high-school, somewhat below average.
15. I consistently have at least half a dozen major projects going at any one time, most of which I fail to ever comple
16. Those three college degrees are as follows:  The aptly named “BS in Marketing” from Penn State, another bachelors in “Media Communications” from Pitt (a degree I earned almost by accident.  I took a few writing courses at night, and ended up with enough credits for a second degree), and a Masters in (don’t laugh) “Television, Radio and Film” from Syracuse University – a degree my fellow Syracuse alum Joe Kelly refers to as a “Masters in Gilligan.”
17. In eighth grade, my English teacher requested that I return from Christmas break with “a nice, new personality.”
18. I know every word to the “Jesus Christ Superstar” soundtrack
19. I despise any and all condiments with the exception of hot sauce.  Pickles, in particular, I regard as the work of the Devil.
20. At the age of six, my parents took me to the WQED studios in Oakland to “see Mr. Rogers.”  They decided that the lines were too long, however, so we turned around and went home.
21. Thirty-three years later, while I was in Grad School, I had lunch with Mr. Rogers and his producer – an event arranged by my then-girlfriend, whose family was friends with Mr. R.
22. I can name the U.S. Presidents, in order – and could do so in first grade.  It was a big hit at family gatherings.
23. Until it is refilled, my meal comes to a complete halt when my beverage runs out 
24. In high school, some people are branded as “freaks” or “jocks” or “preppies” or whatever.  My high school (Gateway) had a special name for my friends and I – to them, we were “band fags.”
25. This particular band fag can play the saxophone, a little bit of guitar, and a very teensy bit of trumpet and flute.
26. I refuse to purchase or wear clothing that has a designers' logo anywhere on it.
27. Favorite sports teams, in order:  Penn State football, Pirates, Penguins, Steelers, Pitt football.  (Yes, it’s possible to be both a PSU and a Pitt fan, although when PSU stinks, as they did in 2003, I kind of prefer Pitt to have a down year as well.
28. First “single” record purchased:  “Philadelphia Freedom” by Elton John – purchased at the G.C. Murphy in Punxsutawney, PA, the land of my parents…
29. First album purchased was Elton’s “Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy” -- $4.29 at the J.C. Penney’s in Monroeville Mall.
30. I grew up in Monroeville, PA – a very ordinary suburb about 15 miles east of Pittsburgh.  I swore I’d never live in suburbia again – but here I am, living the dream in the land of subdivisions and lawn care. 
31. I’ve been blogging since July, 2002.  So far, I’ve only moved a few months of my archives over here to Typepad.  I intend to move the whole thing over – but until I do, you can view my archived crapola (UPDATE -- no, you can't.  I still need to move that crap over here.)
32. Prior to grad school, my train wreck of a career path included the following jobs:
    - Pittsburgh Press carrier
    - Drive in movie field-picker-upper
    - Busboy/Waiter at a HoJo’s
    - Telemarketer (Pittsburgh Business Times, Pittsburgh Pirates, Pittsburgh Penguins)
    - Retail clerk
    - Sax player in a four-nights a week working rock band
    - Radio salesguy (WESA, Charleroi)
    - Jewelry salesguy (Kay Jewelers, South Hills Village Mall)
33. In grad school, I was a Teaching Assistant.  I taught “Multi-camera Television Production.”  Took the class in the summer, taught it the next semester. 
34. AFTER grad school, circumstances led me away from my intended tv or film career in New York and back to Pittsburgh – where after a dismal job search, I ended up bussing the same tables I had in high school.
35. At the same time, I was working a temp job stuffing fliers into Pennysavers – a job that led to my being kicked in the ass by an evil leprechaun.
36. The evil-leprechaun flier-stuffing job led to a temp job at Westinghouse, where I met my wife-to be.
37. I left Westinghouse to work for free at an “alternative” radio station in Monroeville – WXVX, 1000 kick-ass watts at the extreme right hand edge of your AM radio dial.
38. Eventually, I ended up at WTAE-AM, where I worked my way up to “Morning News Producer.”  I loved that station.  NewsTalk 1250.  In my opinion, we were a thousand times more interesting than KDKA.  Unfortunately, though, we were a pimple on KD’s butt, ratings-wise.  We could’ve had live audio from the second coming of Jesus and our ratings wouldn’t have broached 3.9.  A few months after my promotion, we were sold, then sold again.  Rumors had us headed towards sports talk – and when a new opportunity presented itself, I gave my two weeks notice.  Turns out my position was eliminated on my final day of employment, so clearly I made the right move.
39. That next move was to “RealPittsburgh.com,” where I wrote a bunch of news articles along with a freakishly popular column titled “Where’s Bob.”
40. On my first day at RP in 1998, the guy who now hosts my Web site had to show me how to open an email.
41. Five albums I’d take with me to a desert Island (where they’d do me no good, of course, since I wouldn’t have anything to play them on, but whatever…)
    - Beatles – White Album
    - Neil Young – Rust Never Sleeps
    - Talking Heads – The Name of This Band Is Talking Heads
    - Barenaked Ladies – Rock Spectacle
    - Elton John – Goodbye Yellow Brick Road
42. Same deal, but with books:
    - Lord of the Rings – Tolkien
    - To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee
    - The Winter of our Discontent – Steinbeck
    - Catcher in the Rye – Salinger
43. Five favorite movies:
    - The Godfather
    - My Favorite Year
    - Diner
    - Field of Dreams (Yeah, I know it’s corny and it’s Costner, but I love it anyway)
    - It’s A Wonderful Life (I have dreams about Bedford Falls)
44. I’ve been verrrry slowly losing my hair since my early 20’s.  Currently, I have “gigantic forehead” syndrome, but still lots more hair up there to be lost.
45. While the hair I want is in decline, ear and nose hair seem to be growing at an ever-increasing rate.
46. I’m an unabashed follower of professional wrestling.  In particular, I like Mick Foley and was always a huge fan of “The Magnificent Muraco.”
47. I'm the last remaining American without a cell phone, and perfectly happy to be so.  No one calls me at home -- why do I need a mobile reminder of my unpopularity?
48. When eating a meal, I absolutely have to have a drink of water when switching from one food item to another.
49. Jockey -- for the most part.  Boxers for lounging around the house only.
50. I have a pair of underpants (heh-heh, love that word) that continue to be in the regular rotation after 23 years of service.
51. Sadly, I have been known to get (nearly) naked at weddings.  I say "sadly" primarily for the people who had to view it.
52. In general, I don't kill bugs that invade our house.  I try to capture them and then release them into the great outdoors.  (Exceptions -- mosquitos, thousand-leggers)
53. I believe that all tv shows will eventually come with either a "Law & Order" or "CSI" prefix.
54. I can and do find an applicable Simpson's quote for every situation.
55. I arrange my money in my wallet from largest denomination in the back to smallest in the front.  All bills must be right-side-up and face the same direction.  I used to arrange them within the denominations according to issuing bank, but I've managed to shake that habit.
56. Speaking of habits -- I nearly always have a slight facial or muscular twitch somewhere.  Raising eyebrows, shrugging my shoulders, stretching out my nose.  Some of them are more noticeable than others. 
57. Like many others, the sound of fingernails on a blackboard drives me up the wall.  When I know that a movie or tv show has a fingernail-blackboard scene (such as Jaws), I nervously sit there with my finger on the "mute" button and can't enjoy the movie or show until that scene has passed.
58. Secretly, I believe that the Pirates will one day get it together and win the World Series.
59. I have, in my dim distant past, sported a mullet. 
60. My wife was also adopted.  Which means that we have virtually no family medical history for our child.  People have asked us if we named him "Adam" because he is the first of a new family tree.  We didn't, but makes a good story don't you think?
61. Here's how I'd like to exit this earth, preferably at the age of 95:  Run over by a clown car.  I envision all of the clowns pouring out of their little car to check on me, and they keep inadvertantly kicking me with their floppy shoes, and when they bend down their flowers squirt me with water.
62. And my funeral will go a little something like this:  after everybody gets up and tells their lies about what a great guy I was, they shut the lid on my coffin, and out of the p.a. system come the solemn notes of..."Yakity Sax."  My pallbearers then proceed to chase each other around my coffin, Benny Hill style.
63. I spent close to one month paralyzed from the neck down, due to a lovely little viral infection known as Guillain-Barre Syndrome.  You can read about the whole sordid affair here.  (NOTE -- this content was on my old site.  I'll move it over here asap.)
64. Although I don't eat a whole lot of fast food these days, I would rank my burger preferences as follows:  Burger King, McDonalds, Wendys.
65. The vast majority of women that I dated for any significant length of time were left-handed.  (Married a righty, though.)
66. None of the candidates I've ever voted for in a primary have ever won.  (In order, if I can recall correctly, those losers would be:  Jesse Jackson, Bruce Babbit, Governor Moonbeam, didn't bother, and Howard "Yeargh" Dean.  Of course, due to the lateness of the PA primary, the race has always been decided by the time I voted, but I voted for who I wanted to vote for anyway.)
67. Favorite Pirate during the early 70's -- Charlie Sands.
68. Favorite late-70's Bucco -- Phil Garner.
69. I cannot stand to have either my belly button or adam's apple touched.
70. Favorite store-bought cookie: Keebler Fudge Stripes.
71. I had a heart attack -- sort of -- the day after our second child was born.  You can read the gruesome details here, and part two is here.
72. I am a game-day employee of the Pittsburgh Steelers -- I serve as a flunky for the Media Relations Director.  Basically, my job entails running some press passes around, eating ungodly amounts of food from the press buffet, watching the game in its entirety from the press box, and transcribing a bunch of post-game interviews which then get printed up and distributed to the media. 

Fabulous stuff, no?

I Listen to the New Sound of 13Q

Of all the things I could've found amidst the flotsam of my dad's recent cleaning out of his attic (and subsequent garage sale), nothing could've made me happier than finding this (click to enlarge):
 

That, my friends, is a gen-yoo-wine Q-sheet, dated 11/8/1975.

There was a time period of about three years, approximately 1974 - 1976, when I lived to go to the mall, once a week, to pick up my weekly chart listings from 13Q.  When we went away on vacation, I made arrangements with friends to pick up my sheets.  I think it's safe to say that I had a complete collection of Q-sheets for those years.

At least, I did until some point in High School, when I had moved on to 'DVE, and made the monumental mistake of pitching my collected Q-Sheets.

But three of the things fell out of one of the books I brought back from my dad's.  I didn't realize they were in there until I got to work the next day, looked into the back seat, and saw them sitting there.

Look at what was on the charts in November, 1975!  Disco was well represented, of course, by KC and the Sunshine Band, Tavares and Silver Connection.  Elton, Bowie, Kiss and Bad Company representin' rock and roll.  Some country-tinged pop from The Eagles and John Denver.  R&B from The Spinners, AWB, and the Richie Family.  And some plain old pop for pop's sake from Abba, Sedaka, Four Seasons, and Bay City Frikkin' Rollers.

Over on the album charts, the only truly listenable Jefferson Starship album sits at #1.  Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here," Springsteen's "Born to Run," Eagles "One of These Nights," and Paul Simon's "Still Crazy After All These Years."  Friggin' awesome.

I don't think there even is such a thing as Top 40 radio these days -- but even if there is, can you imagine any of today's top hits getting much airplay in 2036?  Look at that chart again.  By my count, fully 16 of the Top 30 get regular airplay on the airwaves in 2006.  Amazing.

Here's the front side of the Q-sheet. 

Clearly 13-Q knew its audience -- look at that Clearasil ad.  I was a major consumer in 1975.

----
Update:  On a completely unrelated note, I'd like to share the first line from what is now my favorite Nigerian email scammer ever.  Enjoy:

I am Mark james, the only Son of late Mr and Mrs James. My father was a very wealthy cocoa Farmer and cocoa merchant before he was killed to death by his pollitical associates on one of their outing to make pollitical dialoug.

No!  The fact that this innocent cocoa farmer was killed is bad enough -- but killed TO DEATH?  What times are these in which we live?

That 70's Kitchen, Revisited

If you've followed this site for any length of time, you're very aware of my bad habit of promising certain bits of content, and then not delivering.

While looking through some old photos yesterday, I found one that made me realize that I never followed up on providing an updated look at my dad's "That 70's Kitchen," as promised.

Here's the photo that created the original ruckus -- from birthday number 15 for yours truly, which places it firmly on January 2, 1978.

And now, an updated shot -- this one from December 25, 2004.  You can see that not much has changed in the 26 years between shots.  I did my best to re-create the surly look of the original for your enjoyment:

As an added bonus, here's a shot of one of the lovely harvest gold appliances:

Amplification:  Yesterday, I said that performer Felony Foreplay had been ranked as a "hot newcomer."  More accurately, Ms. Foreplay has been ranked the hottest newcomer.  Of all the newcomers, Felony Foreplay is the HOTTEST.  Thank you.

Update:  Thanks to Funky Dung for the digitally enhanced version of the first pic up there. 

Ride 'em, Cowboy

The last time I was over at my dad's, I went up into the attic and pulled down a box of books that has been up there since I was ten years old.  (That's 33 years ago, for those of you keeping score at home.)

Sad to say, but my books...my beloved childhood memories...are, for the most part, pretty awful.  Oh, a few aren't bad, and some have some neat artwork, but mostly they just stink.  And I think I speak for Julie when I say that I hate reading them -- which of course means that the worst of the lot are Adam's favorites.

Currently, he's stuck on what I consider to be the worst book we've discovered yet -- a 1959 abomination (from the Cat in the Hat-approved "Beginner Books" series, no less) titled "Cowboy Andy."

Really, it's painful to read.  Except for one page -- the one that features this illustration:

I can't quite put my finger on it, but everytime I see that drawing I start giggling like a little schoolgirl.  It takes me a couple of minutes to regain my composure.

Anyway, that picture needs a caption -- so have at it.  (If you need some reference material, the Cowboy's name is Cowboy Sam.  The little boy is Andy, and the grizzled 1890's prospector in the bed is named Shorty, although we never find out how he earned his nickname.  Well, we the readers never find out.  I have a feeling that Andy probably has a pretty good idea.)

Watch It Wiggle, See It Jiggle...

Valued reader DingE writes in with a question for you, the Subdivided readers:

What is the crappiest dish that is always or usually made at your family gatherings?

Good question, DingE.  Before I give my own answer, I'll let DingE provide her own example:

My mother makes probably one of the most disgusting things I've ever heard of, but I've never even tried it because it just sounds and looks gross.  Pineapple and cheddar cheese casserole, served hot.  (My husband) and I joke about it every time we have go there.

Well, DingE, that does indeed sound pretty awful.  For Braughler family gatherings, I'm guessing that my wife will say something about the inevitabilty of the appearance of a Jello Salad.  It's not a Braughler event until somebody dishes up some Jello filled with pineapples, served on a piece of lettuce, and covered with a frothy topping made from Cool Whip and more Jello. 

It actually surprised me when my wife was surprised by the existence of such a thing as Jello Salad.  Having been brought up a Braughler, I just assumed that Jello Salads were de rigeur at anybody's family gatherings, but I guess that's not the case.  Anyhow, it's safe to say that I've never eaten a bite of one.

So let's hear it -- any other disgusting family food traditions out there?  Or are DingE and I alone on this one?
-----

UPDATE

Kiss her, Mary, KISS HER!  You'll never get another chance like this.  It's now or never.  KISS HER!

Dorky, Like Me

Below is a list of everyone I've ever been told that I resemble, in chronological order of when I was told that I look like them:

(First, a fairly recent picture of me, although I think I'm down about 10 pounds since this was taken...)

Greg Hawkes -- Keys/Sax for The Cars

Amazing coincidence:

Hawkes:  lacks chin, plays saxophone
Bob:  plays saxophone, lacks chin

John Ritter

Amazing coincidence:

Ritter:  Liked to drink at "The Regal Beagle"
Bob:  Likes to drink, fan of wrestler William Regal, has a dog that some people think is a beagle

Wil Shriner -- Forgotten Talk Show Host

Amazing coincidence:

Shriner:  Wore a shirt
Bob:  Currently wearing a shirt

Martin Short -- Comedic Actor

Amazing coincidence:

Short:  "A very fine fellow, I must say"
Bob:  Also a very fine fellow

Mike "Fluff" Cowan -- Former Caddy for Tiger Woods

Amazing coincidence: 

Cowan:  Nicknamed "fluff"
Bob:  Knows what a "fluffer" does for a living

UPDATE!  (I had forgotten this next one, and it's a recent one, too.  Thanks to Funky Dung for the reminder.)

Doug Fieger -- Lead Singer, "The Knack"

Amazing coincidence: 

Fieger:  Good girls don't.
Bob:  But I do.

Fred Goss -- Writer, Actor ("Sons and Daughters)

Amazing coincidence:

I know nothing about this guy, but I'm sure there's something.

Shirley Hemphill -- Comedian, Actress

Amazing coincidence:  Too many to detail.

Off The Record

Media Play in Ross Park Mall is closing.

In itself, that's no amazing bit of news.  Stores come and go all the time.

But what amazes me -- and believe me, I may well be the only one amazed by this -- is that it leaves the mall without one single music store.

Oh, sure, you can still buy tasteful compilations put together for tasteful cocktail parties or backyard barbecues that you'll never get quite get around to hosting at Pottery Barn, or dull-as-dirt discs containing forest sounds at Brookstone, but don't bother looking for anything else.

I guess it's not all that shocking.  Between downloading, Amazon, the cut-rate loss-leader prices of cd's at places like Best Buy and Circuit City, and the general crappiness of the last decade's worth of pop music, there's probably not enough left for a retail music store to make enough to pay the rent at the mall.

But still, it's kind of sad to see that era go.  As a wee subdivided lad, I spent hours trolling the record bins at the mall -- grooving to the artwork on the Yes and Grateful Dead covers, and surreptitiously sneaking peaks at the Ohio Players soft-core porn covers.

I've shared the story before, but one of my most vivid memories as a youth is my first album purchase.  Elton John's "Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy."  Monroeville Mall, J.C. Penney's.  Four dollars and twenty-nine cents of out of my hard-earned Pittsburgh Press paperboy earnings. 

Man, I wanted that album -- in spite of the fact that I hadn't heard one single song from it.  Elton was huge in 1975.  I had recently purchased and worn out his "Philadelphia Freedom" single, and man did I want this album.  Four twenty-nine probably constituted my biggest purchase to date, though, and I was pretty hesitant to part with that much cash.  I checked out the National Record Mart, and Gimbels, and Horne's -- and Penney's had the best price. 

Nonetheless, I must've walked the length of the mall 10 times before making the purchase.  I was pretty sure that my parents wouldn't be too psyched about me spending that much cash -- and was all but certain that they would loathe the drawing of a nude woman on the back.

After summoning up all my courage, I bought it and took it home.  After much scrutinizing of the cover and lyric sheet by the 'rents, it was finally deemed acceptable.  The first of what would eventually grow to a 500+ album and 250+ cd collection.  And still a favorite, even if I haven't listened to it in over a decade.

Over the weekend, we browsed the closeout racks at Media Play.  No bargains to be found there -- yet.  Maybe in a couple of weeks, when they get desperate. 

But we did find a nice book that we picked up for Adam.  And in the used racks, I found an album that I'd always considered buying, but never did.

"Elton John."  His self-titled U.S. debut.  The one "classic years" Elton album that I didn't own.

$5.29

It wasn't until I got home that I realized the symmetry of it all.  Likely my last-ever mall-purchased music -- same artist as my first purchase, completing my collection, and for only one dollar more than I paid for the first.

Listening to it now.  And it's beautiful.  A little pretentious, maybe, and overblown in some of the arrangements, but great nonetheless.  Upon hearing "Your Song," John Lennon proclaimed Elton to be "the first new thing to happen since we happened." 

Anyway, I'm going to miss record stores.  A significant part of my youth was wasted in them, and I can't imagine a better way to have mis-spent those hours.

We'll Be Loyal Scouts

I know what you're thinking...

You're thinking, "Geez, the guy takes a month of, comes back, posts two lame entries, then takes a day off."

You're right.  I'm a slacker.

More specifically, the side project that in large part spurred my month's sabbatical isn't yet complete -- hence the lameness.  My apologies.

As a way of apologizing, here's another in the seemingly endless series of Photos of the Blogger as a Young Dorcus Mallorcus.

Here's a little photo that I like to call "Cub Scouts -- Not All THAT Depressing."

That's me in the back row, second from the right, looking like I'd like to strangle myself with that yellow neck thingamajigger.  Here's a closer look:

If you think I look bummed here, you should've seen the look on my face whenever I had to tell someone that I was a Webelo.

Songs My Mom Hated, Volume 1

Whoa -- just one more week until the arrival of Junior Two.  Scary!

Julie's mom took Adam on Saturday morning, with the intention of bringing him back Sunday evening.  We were going to use the time to finish up some last-minute baby prep, in addition to going out to dinner and catching up on some sleep one last time before all hell breaks loose next week.

And we DID get the dinner in, as well as the sleep.  Unfortunately, though, Adam came down with a nasty fever and had to be returned on Sunday morning.  After a miserable afternoon, though, he came around and was acting pretty much like himself by evening.

But enough about that.  Here are a bunch of songs from my youth that, for various reasons, drove my mom bonkers.

• Eric Clapton, "Cocaine":  Of all the songs my mom hated during my youthful infatuation with pop music, this one was pre-eminent.  She saw it as a glorification of drug use -- which it is, of course.  I tried to argue that the chorus, the "she don't like, she don't like, she don't like...cocaine" part, was ANTI-drug use.  Mom's response was always the same.
  

  "Well, I'm glad she doesn't like it -- but he shouldn't be singing about it at all."

  (Oddly enough, mom LOVED another song from the very same album, namely "Lay Down Sally."  Or, that is, she loved it until the day she asked me to tell her the name of the song.  After that, she never brought it up again.)

• Elton John, "The Bitch Is Back":  It wasn't so much Elton's ambiguous sexuality in calling himself a "bitch" -- no, the problem here was, in fact, just the use of the word "bitch."  Elton skated further onto the thin ice with his "Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy" album, which was the first album I ever bought (for $4.29 at the JC Penney in Monroeville Mall), and which prominently displayed a naked female body (sort of -- she's some sort of woman/bird hybrid) on the back cover.  (Click to view -- she's on the far left.)
• Meri Wilson, "Telephone Man":  Granted, nearly every song that's ever hit the top 40 is in some way related to sex -- but this 1977 hit was so blatant, and so overtly sexual, that mom just about had a conniption.  Here are the lyrics, but to really appreciate the sheer filth of that song, you had to hear the vocals. 
  
  For a fourteen-year-old such as myself, this song was nearly as good as finding an abandoned Playboy in the woods behind the school.  (Which is something my buddies and I used to do with some regularity, by the way, forcing me to wonder who exactly was leaving their Playboys in the woods -- not that I'm complaining, mind you.  At the time it seemed like manna from heaven.  It wasn't until this very minute that I ever gave thought to what exactly our benefactor was DOING in the woods with those magazines.)
• Bachman Turner Overdrive, "You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet":  Strictly for the use of the word "ain't."  We'll let this song represent any and all hits of the era that used "ain't" or other forms of improper grammar. 
• Donna Summer, "Love to Love You Baby":  Long before I had anything but the vaguest notion of what an orgasm is, Ms. Summer was having 22 of them within a three-and-a-half minute span, every hour and a half on my radio. 
• "MUDD" commercial, circa 1975:  Don't want to forget my dad on this list.  For the most part, he ignored the music that I listened to -- but one day, in the car, I happened to sing along with a doo-wop flavored zit cream commercial that had burned its way into my brain.
  
  "M-U-D-D, MUDD!"

  That's how the ditty ended.  And for whatever reason, my dad reacted like I'd just spelled out the f-bomb.  I never did get around to asking him what it was about M-U-D-D, MUDD! that freaked him out so bad.